I'm Back!

I was able to take four days off from work. It's not exactly a vacation, but unlike most of my other days off I wasn't tied down with errands to run or other obligations. I could do whatever I wanted the entire time and it was great. I turned 22 on the 19th. The time off gave me time to really think about things. I caught up on lost sleep, I wrote a little, and I practiced what I had. I have a renewed passion for my songs. That's what I really gained this past weekend. It's not that the passion wasn't there before, but it's easy to lose sight of it when it seems that you have no choice but to spend all your time trying to figure out how to solve your money problems. I have so little money available to me right now that every single decision is complicated by it and it gets frustrating and discouraging to constantly be held back from doing things that I want and need to do because of money problems. Those kinds of problems are things we all deal with. It won't just go away. It's a part of life and I have to deal with it. It's a real issue that can stand in my way sometimes, but it's time to stop letting that keep me from doing what I want to do. ~Eliza

Song Inspirations: Pain

Passion Level: 8

Motivation Level: 10

Today I'm reminded of a song inspiration that is very real in my life-pain. I'm not talking about emotional pain, but physical pain. I have an illness that causes me chronic pain. I am in pain every day.

At one point in my life the pain was so intolerable and so difficult to face every single day that I did not want to live. There were days that I couldn't even lift my arms above my head because of the pain, holding my head up was a challenge, and the thought of shaking someone's hand petrified me because they were so sensitive at times. The pain was so much more than just an irritant that I didn't want to have to deal with. It interferred with day to day activities. It made simple things extremely difficult, yet it wasn't the pain itself that made me want to kill myself. It was the thought that there was no hope that it would ever get better. Each doctor appointment seemed to reaffirm that thought. It was test after test that didn't provide answers and it was medicine after medicine that didn't work. How could I live a life like that? What could possibly make my life worth living?

The worst part about all of this was that I shared those thoughts with no one. The friends who knew me at the time would probably be shocked if I told them I was depressed and suicidal then. I didn't talk about my pain and I didn't talk about how difficult it was for me to deal with. Everyone around thought I was cheerful. A little strange sometimes, maybe, but certainly not depressed. I felt that if I shared those things with people they would judge me for it and I also did not want to burden other people with my problems. So I kept it all inside and suffered in silence.

I began thinking of ways to kill myself. I didn't have access to any fancy shmancy instant poisons, so my only options were the more gross, old fashioned ways. Fortunately, I'm a bit squeamish, so none of those options were real options for me. There were times I held a knife in my hands, turning it over and thinking about it, but I knew I didn't have the nerve to do it.

What really brought me out of it were some of the friends I had in my life, but I also started to get better. We finally tried some medicine that actually helped. I was barely holding on to any hope at all that something would work. The doctor told me that the medicine was very strong and would make the symptoms worse before they got better. That next week was pure hell. The symptoms did get worse. Everything I had been feeling was multiplied, but after about a week I finally started to feel better. I wasn't healed. It's just not that kind of illness, but I finally felt like I could deal with it. It was suddenly something that I could live with. The pain was not gone, but it was tolerable.

Today the pain is usually tolerable. I will occasionally have some days were I feel like I can't take it and that it is still too much of a burden for me, but I care about surviving more than I did back then. I'll never let some pain take me that low again, even if it is as horrible as it was before. And after all I've been through, pain doesn't really scare me anymore. I don't like it, but I experience it all the time. Whenever something is a challenge for me, I think about that. I would be in pain either way, so how can I let it hold me back? I may be small and I might not have a lot of physical strength, but I can take a hell of a lot more than you might think. I've been at the point where I've had to face something horrific because I had no choice. Now I'm a lot more willing to face things when I do have a choice.

Pain is a great inspiration, but I'll be honest. I didn't care about living at the time, so writing songs was not a high priority. And most of the lyrics I did write at the time were total garbage. They may have helped me deal with what I was going through at the time, but they had no value as songs. It's okay to write songs that are dark because our songs should reflect our lives and life is dark sometimes. That doesn't mean every song you write about something dark will automatically be beautiful. Just because it's real to you doesn't mean that you are communicating it in a way that makes sense to other people.

I still use the experience for inspiration today, and I've found that it's better. As I look through what I did write back then, I really don't like most of it, but I wanted to share parts of what I found.

You could take me almost anywhere and I would be okay

But I can't stand the dark

Looks like that's where I'm headed

No turning back

This is a dark place

And I've cried many tears here

This is a dark place

I've lost myself to fear

And I swore I'd never return

To the dark place

Oh, this is a dark, dark place

For this one all I wrote were these four lines. I didn't bother finishing it at the time for obvious reasons.

Every day is more of a struggle

Just to stand, just to survive

Every day it's just a little harder

To see the value of my life

~Eliza

You Can't Make Yourself Care

Passion Level: 9

Motivation Level: 7

I feel drained today. I feel drained from caring about people who don't care about me the same way and I feel drained from trying to care about people I don't care about. I can't force myself to care. I want to, but I just don't.

The same thing applies to songwriting. No one can force you to care about it. You either do or you don't. You're either motivated or you're not. So if it's that simple, you should know whether you're motivated enough or not.

That means that if you really care you can stick with it even when you feel drained or uninspired. There are going to be those moments. That doesn't mean you let it stop you or let the road block hold you back. I probably won't write much today and won't talk much about my songs today. That's okay because I know I'll be motivated to do it tomorrow. It's something that will always be important to me, whether it gets me anywhere or not. It matters to me no matter what.

Don't be so used to your comfort zone that you let it stop you from going anywhere. It's going to be uncomfortable sometimes. Go somewhere.

I feel out of place

I feel uninspired

I feel what's at stake

Is all I've most desired

My dreams put on hold

All because of my own

Need to stay within

The boundaries of my comfort zone

All regrets of the past

Are laid to rest at last

No more need to stay within

The boundaries of my comfort zone

When I was a child

I used to believe

I'd always be a child

Free from responsibility

I'm not that little girl

And I can come to learn

It's a challenge to face this world

And it's not worth it to wait your turn

(c) 2011 Boundaries of My Comfort Zone, Elizabeth Marion

That's not the complete song, but I think it's enough for you to get the point.

~Eliza

A Songwriting Exercise

If I could remember every song I started to create, I wouldn't have enough songbooks for it all. And I wouldn't be able to finish all the songs. I've come up with so many ideas that were later forgotten. I'm the type of person that needs to scribble down the idea so I don't forget about it. The other issue is that when ideas do come to me I'll often get several at a time and I also tend to get the lyrics and the melody at the same time. If I can write it down I can barely keep up with how quickly the words are coming. If I can't write it down I'm lucky to remember any of it later. I've started doing some writing exercises to see if it would help me retain some of those ideas better. When I set aside time to write, I usually start by working on some pieces I already have, so brainstorming new ideas is rarely part of my writing session. I spend most of the time adding to something that I already have, so when I'm ready to do some writing I already have a starting point for the work I want to do. The past couple of days I've started my writing time with a short exercise. Before I look at any of the projects I want to work on, I'll get a pen and paper and find a short prompt to help me come up with ideas. My favorite writing prompts to use are quotes and pictures. I think over whatever prompt I've chosen for a few minutes without writing anything down. If I'm really focused, I'll have more ideas running through my head than I can count at that point. After I've spent a couple minutes thinking over the prompt and creating ideas, I'll take about ten minutes to do something else, usually writing in my diary since that's the routine that I'm most used to. After the ten minutes have passed I write down on the paper as much as I can remember. I couldn't believe how little I could remember the first time I tried this. I felt so inspired when the ideas were flowing in my mind, but ten minutes later I couldn't pull them apart and write them down. It's not that they were all bad ideas or that I didn't care about any of the ideas, but they were all coming at the same time and because I couldn't separate them enough to focus on any of them I couldn't retain them. It's like hearing five people talk at the same time while you're eyes are closed. You can recognize the voices and know who is talking, but hearing and understanding what each person is saying is impossible. That's the way it is with my song ideas. When I get those ideas, they arrive scrambled and if I can't unscramble them quickly enough I forget them. After doing this exercise a couple of times I have noticed an improvement. At least I know the exercise is helping. I suppose everyone's creative process has its own frustrations or difficulties and these are the ones I have to deal with. I just need to find a better way to focus instead of letting those moments overwhelm me. ~Eliza

Fresh Song Fragment

I usually don't like sharing songs I'm not finished with, but I decided to post this one. I came up with it a few days ago. So far I've only got part of a verse and a chorus. You like to call yourself a king Think every town is at your feet Your bad, you think you're everything Sometimes I even agree You're a bad boy with a heart You're gonna mess around But you'll do it smart And you will play your games But in the end You'll come out on top No one else can win (c) Bad Boy with a Heart Elizabeth Marion 2012 ~Eliza

Song Topics

Sometimes when I get stuck on songwriting, I find that brainstorming general song topics helps me generate more specific ideas. Each song song topic generates thoughts about my own experiences relating to the topic. That doesn't always result in lyric ideas that I can use, but it's usually helpful.

Love

This one's easy. It's also a bit of a broad topic. There are love songs about falling in love with someone, the experience of being in love, a desire for love, the person you love, etc. Let's take, for example, falling in love with someone. Think about how you would write about these things:

-the moment you met and what drew you to that person

-the moment you realized you were in love

-what you love about the person

-what made you fall in love

-the first time you told someone you were in love

-how much you are in love

If you have someone in mind these prompts are probably already giving you ideas. Even if they're not ideas you could specifically use for a song, you're at least thinking about the topic and exploring it.

Anger

This one can also be broken down into several subtopics. Why you're angry, who you're angry with, things that make you angry, how you express your anger, etc.

-the last time someone made you angry

-the last time you told someone they made you angry

-something you regret that you did out of anger

-things that always make you angry

Jealousy

Who are you jealous of, why are you jealous, do you express it or keep it hidden? This one is especially easy for me! ;)

-what it is that you want and can't have

-how your jealousy effects how you act

-how your jealousy effects how you think

-what, if anything, makes others jealous of you

I don't think I need to go through every song topic I can think of for you to get the point. Brainstorming ideas and breaking down subjects or topics is a technique that is not only good for story or essay writing, but also for lyric writing. Don't toss aside a technique that could be helpful to you simply because you think it is better applied to other forms of writing.

~Eliza

Songwriting and Time Management

Time management skills are important no matter what you are trying to accomplish. It would be nice if I had some. They're especially important if you're trying to make something a career when you still have to work a regular job. When so much of your time is taken up by a full time job, you need to manage the time you do have wisely. That means that your off days are not off days. Those days you are not at your job are days for you to be working towards something that's more important to you.

In a previous post I mentioned the importance of having your planner (notebook/schedule/whatever you use) full of activities that will in some way move you forward or at least keep you facing in the right direction and focused on your goals. Don't view your free time as free time. If you want it to become your job then treat it like it is your job. If you act like it's just a hobby that you're only involved in when you "feel like it" then it will most likely always remain a hobby.

Let's say you have a day off and you would normally work an eight hour shift at your job. What are you gonna do to work on what you really want your job to be for eight hours? That's what time management is all about-taking the time that's available to you and using it to be productive.

For me, it's not so simple as setting aside eight hours to work on something. I find it more helpful to assign activities to each hour. For example, I might spend two hours just going over the lyrics that I have, adding to them, and editting them. Another two hours can be dedicated to reading and educating myself on songwriting techniques and music in general. That leaves me with four more hours to dedicate to doing other research, looking online for opportunities, bands, and writers to connect with, taking part in writing exercises, and taking a look at what other songwriters have done to become successful.

It may seem like overkill to assign an activity to each hour and for you it may be. I find that when I don't break it down like that it's more difficult for me to stay focused and accomplish as much as I can with the time that I have.

No matter how you plan your time, the bottom line is that you need to make sure you use the time you have wisely. If you want something to become more than just a hobby then treat it that way.

~Eliza

Can't Take Away Who I Am Lyrics

Passion Level: 9
Motivation Level: 9

This is a song I wrote a couple years ago and a song that I submitted to the American Lyrics Contest. It was rejected. Maybe others don't really appreciate it, but this one means a lot to me. I like who I am and I don't care about other people trying to tear that down or take that feeling away from me. That's what this song is all about.

Can't Take Away Who I Am

Sitting on the edge of a dream
Reaching out I'm about to fall
People think it's a crazy thing
To just let go, and risk it all
They think they can take it all away from me
Just means that they don't know who I am and who I wanna be

'Cause you could take everything from me
And I wouldn't feel a thing
'Cause you can't take away who I am
You could crush all of my dreams
And I wouldn't stop believin'
'Cause you can't take away who I am
And nobody can

Walking far my legs are weak
Feel like I might have to crawl
But when I get where I need to be
Wait and see, I will stand up tall
People think I'll give up so easily
Just means that they don't anything about the real me

'Cause you could take everything from me
And I wouldn't feel a thing
'Cause you can't take away who I am
You could crush all of my dreams
And I wouldn't stop believin'
'Cause you can't take away who I am
And nobody can

No, no, Nobody can (6x)

(c) 2010, Elizabeth Marion

Thank you for reading.

~Eliza